Saturday, August 29, 2009

Brynn's new bath seat

"What did you put on my head, Mommy?"
"What is all this stuff?"

"Tastes funny."
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Thursday, August 20, 2009

A difficult week...

I hate the first couple of weeks of school. I really do. No sugar coating it. I hate teaching rules and routines, I hate having to be extra strict, I hate adjusting to a new schedule. I have hated it since first grade. (In Kindergarten I didn't know any better.)
It has been quadrupally hard having my sweet Brynnie at home waiting on me. I haven't been home before 4:30 any day this week. (Today I got my hair cut so it wasn't all school's fault.) To corporate working moms that doesn't sound weird I guess, but I was planning on being home by 3:30 except on faculty meeting days.
After genuinely enjoying last week, I thought I would be okay. However, I have missed my baby terribly. I ache in the morning when I rub her sweet head and know I won't see her for at least 8 hours. I know I'm doing what God needs me to do right now, but does it have to be so hard?
I will manage. I'm glad I'm spreading my love to 10 (soon to be 11) more children who are happy to be around me (most of the time.) It will get easier. I just hope it's soon. (Sorry for all the parentheses. My 9th grade English teacher Mr. Cannon would be ashamed.)

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

An unexpected fear...

Today I worried that I was forgetting about Brynn. I would get really involved in my work and suddenly remember I had a daughter. How weird does that sound?
I've never had someone who depended on me completely, so I've never had anyone to be concerned about while I'm away. Brynn is safer with her Grammy than I am at school, so that's not an issue. But that sneaky guilt still pops up. Why?
I have to do my best at work when I'm there, and that doesn't make me a bad mom. Quite the opposite. I'm a good role model and a provider. While being those things, I can't think about her constantly. Is it okay to let go a little?

Monday, August 10, 2009

First Day as a Working Mom

Well, in spite of a panic attack (totally needed a paper bag) last night, I managed to get a few hours of sleep and get up at 6:00 this morning. I was so confused when the alarm went off. My only alarm has been my daughter's grunts and whines for more than 120 days.
I don't deal with change well as it is, but this was huge. I went from one full-time job to two. I went from having one child to 11. (They're still mine in a way.) I had to switch roles today. Identities really. At home I'm Lacy, as soon as I get to Duncan I'm Mrs. Grant. They really are different people. Now at home I'm Lacy and Mommy, so it was even harder to switch.
I made it through. I was very bitter at the beginning of the day. I didn't want to tell people I was fine. I didn't want to tell people I wasn't glad to be back. I didn't want anyone to talk to me at all. Once a few of my pricklies fell off I realized how much everyone at school cares about me and that they could help if I let them.
I'm not saying I'm all hunky dunky already, but I'm getting there. Perhaps this blog's new purpose will be to document this adventure.