I really stink at keeping secrets.
Not like I tell them or anything when I'm not supposed to, but I just have to avoid talking at all to whomever it involves. Take this baby business for example. I disappeared from blogging because all I wanted to talk about was related to my being pregnant.
Erick and I decided not to tell anyone (except our moms, dads, and brothers) until after the first ultrasound. Okay, so I told a few other people before that too. See, I told you I stink at it. I promise if it was your secret I would do better. I feel more at liberty with my own.
in the few weeks before that first ultrasound, I had some pretty soul-deafening fear like I'd never felt before. I don't know how some people go through the pain of losing a child more than once. That is a heartache I just can't believe I can bear again. It makes me pray that much harder for others still struggling. I clung to the words repeated about 100 times in the Bible, "Do not be afraid."
When Erick and I finally got to see that beautiful baby with the strong heartbeat floating in a just-right sized womb, it was pleasantly anti-climatic. "Hmm. Baby is a little bigger than 8 weeks, but it's close so we'll leave it." Oh so different from last time. If you don't remember, May baby was about 2 weeks too small and there was no fluid. I asked this time just to be sure, "So that all looks perfect, right?" The doctor assured me it was.
Last week I had another appointment. I was perfectly fine until about the day before. Then I started being afraid again. I knew in my head everything was okay, but my belly just isn't quite big enough for me to really believe I'm pregnant. (Especially since thankfully I'm not throwing up every time I walk into the bathroom!) Again though, we got a good report from a sweet nurse, "Wow, that's a great heartbeat for 12 weeks!"
I have never had an experience like this one. After two pregnancies--one perfect and one a nightmare--it's like I'm starting over. I am painfully aware of how little control I have over the process of this baby coming out healthy. Sure, I'm taking my vitamins, eating and not eating the right things, not smoking, not drinking, no caffeine, and all the other things we know about. But there are so many many things only God is just left to take care of.
I know I should give Him all my fears and doubts, but the human side of me would feel like I wasn't caring or somehow wasn't doing enough. So thankfully, God understands that I am doing the absolute best I can. He has given me peace about the 95% that I have turned over and is holding the other 5% while I stand very close by with a finger on it.
:)
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