Stuff I'd like to happen in 2012, in no particular order.

1. The news does not mention the Mayan calendar relentlessly. (No one knows the hour Jesus is coming back and I'm ready for Him, but it it still makes me nervous, so hush.)
2. The Grant family gets a dog. (Names considered so far are Loula, Tuvok, and Good. Last one was Brynn's input.)
3. The Grant family will have another healthy baby on the way. (Note "WILL." I have nothing to tell yet, just to clarify.)
4. I get back on my FlyLady track with keeping my house clean.
5. I lose some weight and do healthy stuff like not eat McDonald's every week. (#3 will hopefully interfere with the first part of this one.)
6. I go back and finish the devotionals I didn't do during my previous Bible study.
7. I get some kids OUT of special ed for the first time in my career.
8. I blog at least twice a month. (Once summer hits I'm upping my quota, but for now, I'll be realistic.)

Happy New Year!

This blog is not contagious.

(DISCLAIMER: I got this awesome netbook for Christmas, but I haven't gotten the hang of this keyboard yet. For instance, I hit====== every time I try to Backspace, so I amm =not responsible for the typos you see in the floowlloing post! :))

I don't get sick too often, thankfully, but you can bet on when I will: Christmas Break and/or Spring Break! I have had rotaviruses, a corneal ulcer, and now pneumonia, and guess when! It's like while I'm working, my body doesn't slow down enough to let me get sick, but my guard goes down as soon as I turn off my power strips in my classroom.
I specifically went to the doctor before I generally would have to avoid being sick over break, but noooo. Dagnabit that's what sick days are for. I really do hate missing school--all teachers know it's way harder to be out than just to go on to school have beaten. However, my days off are so precious, I hate spending them laid out and useless!
I must share my story that would surely put me in the running "Mother of the Year, 2011." Just in time too. Yesterday, or the day before--it's hard to remember when you haven't left the couch except to go to bed for a week--Brynn was sitting on my back, bouncing and eating Ritz crackers out of the pack. I was sleeping on and off, and I'm sure that was a hilarious sight. Anyway, I knew as long as SuperWhy was on and I was being bounced, Brynn would be okay while I dozed. The next thing I knew, I woke up to what sounded like crying. I had to idea how long I had been asleep, and my back was riderless. I shot up and yelled, "Brynn!! Are you okay?!?!" Then my precious little self-sufficient two year old peered around the tv tray that was serving as my blind spot and looked at me like, "Mom, just go back to sleep." I don't know what the noise I heard was. Maybe I was hallucinating. Anyway. Later the same day, I put the poor thing down for a nap an hour early. Accidentally. Wow. (Send your kids over for me to baby-sit, I'm obviously ready.)
Did I mention I hate being sick?? Worst line from my sweet girl this week: "Mommy, I'm sorry you don't want to play with me." Oh, baby. She took such good care of me. In spite of her words, I think she really knew how bad I felt and that I wanted to play with her more than anything.
I have been feeling some better at least part of the last couple of days. My main issue right now is my stomach from my yucky second round of antibiotics to get what the first round couldn't catch. I guess this is one way to start my New Year's diet! But never fear, school starts Monday, so I should be up and running as soon as my computer clicks on.

2011 Ramble

“I have learned that faith means trusting in advance what will only make sense in reverse.”
― Philip Yancey

This year has had so much turmoil that it really just seems like a blur looking back. At many points if you had asked me, I would have told you without hesitation that this was the worst year of my life. It may have been. But as Priscilla Shirer reminded me in the Bible study I did recently--"Bushes don't burn in the wet season. Only in the dry season." Through the desert times this year I have seen burning bushes like never before. I am learning to recognize God's voice more clearly and have seen the joy that comes from waiting on Him.
He has allowed me to see some things that make sense in reverse now--like waiting on Erick's job. Every step led him to where he is now, though in those 6+ years of wondering and praying we had no idea what was going on!
As we move into the next stage of trying to expand our family, I must have faith that God has His plans for us and let Him take care of it for us. His plans for us are good. I was planning on spending this Christmas in the maternity ward of the hospital and bringing home a wonderful present. I have prayed fervently that my favorite time of year wouldn't be spoiled by that pain. I am happy to say that I woke up today and had almost an hour before I remembered that today was my original due date. I have had more feelings of joy thinking of my baby celebrating the biggest birthday party ever in Heaven and thinking, "Boy, mom's going to love this one day!" (I hope that didn't just make me sound too crazy. You do whatcha gotta do!) And I know my Papa is right there with him seeing it for the first time, with my Grandfather who has seen it a few times (whose birthday is today--he would have been 81).
A precious family member of mine has also had some difficult health decisions he had to make, but I got to see just how strong he is by how he came through! That was a blessing in itself.
Yes, this year has held the most tragic and painful events of my life, but more importantly it has brought glorious ones as well. Above all, I know that the God of this universe loves me, and that gives me the peace that passes all understanding.

James

"Blessed is the one who perseveres under trial because, having stood the test, that person will receive the crown of life that the Lord has promised to those who love him." James 1:12

I think I have shared before that I believe my baby in Heaven is a son. His life was too brief for us to know for certain, but that belief has never wavered so I tend to think it is from God to help bring me peace.
As I was seeking wisdom on how to manage my grief, I found that many people found comfort in naming their child. It is very difficult to always say "the baby" and avoid pronouns altogether (I refuse to say "it.") so I wondered if that would be good for me to do as well.
Before I finished that thought, "James" was all but audibly whispered in my heart. I would never have considered the name James myself, and still am not completely comfortable calling him that. It seems like such a grown-up name for such a small, however significant, life. I believe more than actually giving my child this name, the Holy Spirit was guiding me to this book of the Bible. As soon as I could get my hands on God's Word, I opened up to James 1 and found these verses:

² Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters,^[a] whenever you face trials of many kinds, ³ because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. ⁴ Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.

I dare you to me that was an accident. I would surely distract from the power of what I experienced if I tried to spell it all out what this meant to me when I found this, but it certainly solidified my faith that God was speaking to me. He was giving me the comfort I was praying for.
Now when I hear the name James, I think of God's promise. He is teaching me perseverance.
A dear friend recently gave me this beautiful metaphor that is bringing me peace: It's like when a parent has to keep a child from doing something she knows is for their own good, but cannot fully explain why it has to be that way. The child may be hurt, angry, resentful, and that hurts the parent too, but all the while she knows it is best in the long run.
God hurts because I am hurting. He loves me that much. I just have to trust that he does know what is best for me even though I will never understand it.
I would love to find a good Bible study on the book of James to get deeper into it. I'm doing a wonderful study right now on discerning God's voice. It is helping me not only in the present, but in hindsight as well to see how God's hand has been in everything.
Thank you, Lord, for protecting me and loving me, even while I am kicking and screaming. Thank you for your peace and your joy that you have promised to those who ask for it. I will continue to seek your face so I can know the fullness of your greatness. These past 5 months have been the hardest of my life in some ways, but thank you for teaching me through my suffering. Help me to use my experiences to help someone else and bring You glory.

Obedience

My cousin/pseudo-sister is wonderful about reminding her sons (and soon her daughter too!) to obey. I've always thought that it is wonderful that she is using that word already even as toddlers. I used it on Brynn last night after she had thrown a basket's worth of toys across the room one by one when she didn't want to go to bed. I had clearly warned her and then she threw something else. She got a time out and when she calmed down, I explained to her what obeying Mommy meant. She said she was sorry and we then had our precious bedtime routine.
I have always tried to be obedient to my teachers, parents, and bosses, to the best of my ability. (Except maybe getting home right at 11 p.m. every time...sorry, Mama.) However, I've been realizing lately that there are many areas of my life that I have been disobedient by omission. Kind of like when you fail to tell someone something it's lying by omission. I wasn't blatantly doing wrong on purpose, just procrastinating and generally not doing things that responsible grown-ups are supposed to do. Things such as keeping a budget, doing housework regularly, keeping myself healthy, and not worrying.
Okay, so that last one is hard for everyone and doesn't really fit into that category, but it is something I have always struggled with to the point of believing it would never change.
I hope you read the "Welcome to Holland" story, or this isn't going to make much sense. I was definitely sent to Holland this year. I've probably been on the plane there for the last couple of years. As most of you who read this know, my husband has been looking for a "real" job for at least 3 years now, honestly longer. It has been quite a journey for the both of us. Our picture we painted when we were dating of me being the stay-at-home mom and him being the one who brings home the bacon dissipated long ago. It took some time, but I have realized that I don't think that's who I wanted to be anyway. (That was me seeing the tulips in Holland.)
After we lost the baby this year, my whole perspective on life changed, as I have mentioned before. I truly witnessed how little power we have over what happens in nature and how useless worrying about it is. If you can do something, do it. Otherwise, leave it to God. Neither I nor anyone else on this earth could have kept my baby here, so all I could do was find peace. (That was finding the windmills in Holland.)
Since that revelation, I was given the job I always wanted. Or at least since I switched my major to special ed in college. It is all I hoped it would be. It really is a ton more work than my other position was, but it is so much better suited for me. Again, I have found peace and joy in what I do. And I don't have to search very hard for it every day. That relief I know has led to my success in other areas.
I have finally started learning how to successfully declutter my house and KEEP it that way! My closet, bathroom, and most of my kitchen have been clean for over a week now. I don't know if any of you can relate, but that is saying a WHOLE lot for me. Since I was little, I would work on cleaning something all day and not be able to see any difference by the time I was exhausted. I found my kindred spirit at www.flylady.net, and she is really helping me. I think I would be considered in the remedial class if she had a school, because I'm having to take the baby steps at a rate of about 1 per 3 days rather than one a day. BUT IT'S WORKING! Just like the worrying thing, I never ever ever thought I could have a clean, un-cluttered home. Don't get me wrong, it isn't there yet, but I suspect within the year it will be darn close. At least as close as it's going to get so long as I have children in my home.
SO here's the spiritual connection. I don't believe that the cleanliness of one's house determines your salvation. At least I hope to goodness it doesn't or I was doomed from birth. I also don't think that God loves me more because I'm eating better and exercising more. I do believe that since I have been more aware of improving myself and getting all the other junk out of the way, I am allowing God to do His thing which is so much more than I could have achieved myself. This is finding the Rembrandts in Holland.
By Thursday we should hear if Erick is getting this job that neither of us knew existed until about 4 days ago. Every single thing about it has some connection to something Erick has done before in his whole journey this far. From working at the dry cleaners to grad school to the library. It all lines up. The song "God Blessed the Broken Road" comes to mind, only it's a job, not a person. It's 90% certain he has it. We've been burned so many times that I'm afraid to celebrate too much yet, but you will hear me hoop and holler when we get the final word.
Thank you, Lord, for giving me the perseverance this year when I thought I was just giving up. I realize now I was giving it up TO YOU. Help me to always remember what I have been learning, even when my motivation isn't strong. You are good, and Your love endures.

Welcome to Holland

I'm not usually into mushy gushy inspirational stories, but this one was too wonderful not to share. I think this beautiful illustration could be applied to any change that life brings you unexpectedly. I'll give my update and response in a separate entry so it's not a gazillion miles long.

Welcome To Holland

By: Emily Perl Kingsley

I am often asked to describe the experience of raising a child with a disability - to try to help people who have not shared that unique experience to understand it, to imagine how it would feel.

It's like this...

When you're going to have a baby, it's like planning a fabulous vacation trip - to Italy. You buy a bunch of guidebooks and make your wonderful plans. The Coliseum. The Michelangelo David. The gondolas in Venice. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It's all very exciting.

After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands. The stewardess comes in and says, "Welcome to Holland."

"Holland?!?" you say. "What do you mean Holland?? I signed up for Italy! I'm supposed to be in Italy. All my life I've dreamed of going to Italy."

But there's been a change in the flight plan. They've landed in Holland and there you must stay.

The important thing is that they haven't taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine and disease. It's just a different place.

So you must go out and buy new guide books. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met.

It’s just a different place. It's slower-paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you've been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around.... and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills.... and Holland has tulips. Holland even has Rembrandts.

But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy... and they're all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life, you will say, "Yes, that's where I was supposed to go. That's what I had planned."

And the pain of that will never, ever, ever, ever go away... because the loss of that dream is a very very significant loss.

But... if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn't get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things.... about Holland.