Fall

Get it all right or just alright?

I may be getting the hang of this working mom thing. Sort of. I realized today one reason I may be extra hard on myself is that I don't have anyone close to me that has gone through exactly my situation. I know plenty of moms that went back to work when their babies weren't really babies anymore, but otherwise they are all full-time mommies. I think sometimes I'm trying to be full-time teacher and mommy which is clearly impossible according to the laws of time and space.
I feel guilty for liking going to my job; I feel guilty for not being with Brynn every minute; I feel guilty for not doing everything I can as a teacher. Being a mom is full of guilt, huh? Any way you look at it.
Today I was asked a really good question: What does getting it all right look like?
I don't know.
That should tell me something.

I praised God today....

Sometimes I forget, but tonight as I was rocking my over-tired little angel after a little baby midnight snack I couldn't help but praise God. I was in the dark nursery with the glow of a Pooh nightlight settling on Brynn's head like a halo. The warm milk comforted her so that she finally relaxed onto my chest, clinging to my shirt not even needing her pacifier. He breathing slowed to a coo that quickly changed into infant snores which are much sweeter than grown up ones.
I was completely silent, but my heart sang out to God like never before in awe and humble gratitude.

Happy 5 months, Brynn-Brynn!

Dear Brynn,
Has it really only been 5 months since you've been in my life? How small my heart must have been before. Five months has gone by like a blink of an eye. I guess I'll have to get used to that.
I gave you some bowls and spoons to play with tonight. You were a little confused, but entertained when Daddy and I drummed on them! You hit yourself in the face with the spoon and scared me, but you didn't even cry. We'll wait a few weeks and try that game again.
You tried bananas today. You made some pretty funny faces. We'll try them again tomorrow. It was your first "real" food. You've had mushy rice cereal and oatmeal. You love those now.
You and I took a walk tonight. You sang "Old MacDonald" with me and laughed when I pushed you faster. You are really starting to laugh a lot. I'm glad you are such a happy baby.
You pooped in the tub tonight. I hadn't even turned the water off yet. You were barely wet, but bathtime was over!
You are getting to be sassy! The other day at Mimi and Papa T's house, Daddy was playing with your toys and said, "They're mine now!" You looked at me and said, "UUUNNNGG!" It was so funny! You have grabbed my face with both hands and pooked your lip out at me a couple of times to show me you are unhappy. You know Mommy understands you.
I never knew how wonderful being a Mommy would be. Especially being YOUR mommy. I love you more than anything.
Always yours,
Mommy

Brynn's new bath seat

"What did you put on my head, Mommy?"

"What is all this stuff?"

"Tastes funny."

A difficult week...

I hate the first couple of weeks of school. I really do. No sugar coating it. I hate teaching rules and routines, I hate having to be extra strict, I hate adjusting to a new schedule. I have hated it since first grade. (In Kindergarten I didn't know any better.)
It has been quadrupally hard having my sweet Brynnie at home waiting on me. I haven't been home before 4:30 any day this week. (Today I got my hair cut so it wasn't all school's fault.) To corporate working moms that doesn't sound weird I guess, but I was planning on being home by 3:30 except on faculty meeting days.
After genuinely enjoying last week, I thought I would be okay. However, I have missed my baby terribly. I ache in the morning when I rub her sweet head and know I won't see her for at least 8 hours. I know I'm doing what God needs me to do right now, but does it have to be so hard?
I will manage. I'm glad I'm spreading my love to 10 (soon to be 11) more children who are happy to be around me (most of the time.) It will get easier. I just hope it's soon. (Sorry for all the parentheses. My 9th grade English teacher Mr. Cannon would be ashamed.)

An unexpected fear...

Today I worried that I was forgetting about Brynn. I would get really involved in my work and suddenly remember I had a daughter. How weird does that sound?
I've never had someone who depended on me completely, so I've never had anyone to be concerned about while I'm away. Brynn is safer with her Grammy than I am at school, so that's not an issue. But that sneaky guilt still pops up. Why?
I have to do my best at work when I'm there, and that doesn't make me a bad mom. Quite the opposite. I'm a good role model and a provider. While being those things, I can't think about her constantly. Is it okay to let go a little?