Greatness גדלות

'O Lord GOD, you have only begun to show your servant your greatness and your mighty hand. For what god is there in heaven or on earth who can do such works and mighty acts as yours?
Deuteronomy 3:24

I kind of segued nicely into today's topic at the end of yesterday's post about there being a lot we still don't know. Know-it-alls are excused from reading today's entry. It's for those of us who don't have it all figured out.
If you're still reading this, I'm glad I'm not alone. You know the phrase about if you want to make God laugh, tell him your plans? The first person who said that knew me.
I have diagnosed myself with adult-onset ADD. I'm crazy disorganized, at least to the naked eye. Just ask either of my principals. I wish I had a picture of their faces when they come into my classroom. It's that look that you get when you see a booger in somebody's nose and you don't want to tell them so you kind of overdo the eye contact. Anyway. In spite of my apparent disorganization, I'm quite the perfectionist and really like to know what my future looks like. Erick is always hesitant to tell me about jobs he applies for, because once he mentions it, as he says, "In your mind I already have the job!" I just like to imagine the whole scenario out. When something happens to my little life path I have laid ahead of me, I don't really handle it well.
I especially struggled with this through college. I was not one of those who changed majors "just cuz." It was a really difficult, although much needed change.
As I've gotten into this different phase of life and there aren't so many huge decisions I have to make (college: check, marriage: check) God is having to resort to different measures to show me just how big He is.
Two things have always been constant reminders to me how vast God is: the ocean and thunderstorms. Two things that men cannot tame or predict with 100% accuracy that are ever-present in our lives.
I didn't realize how much I still took everything for granted though until the doctors told me that dreaded phrase during my last pregnancy, there's nothing we can do.
Excuse me? You're a doctor. You're where I have always gone when something is wrong to get it fixed. I'm sure there is a pill or a shot or operation you've forgotten about.
"I'd tell you to stand on your head for the next 7 months if I thought it would help, but sometimes this just happens."
My baby still had a heartbeat when he told me that. It just felt like a death sentence. My baby was not going to survive and all I could do is wait? What a horrible answer. But it was true.
Unborn babies aren't the only ones who get this answer. Many diseases and medical issues remain enigmas. There is nothing we can do.
God is still bigger. Even with all of our advancements and technologies, there are some things we haven't begun to touch. I learned in the face of that terrible time all I could do was pray. I prayed for a miracle. That somehow the doctors were wrong, my little guy was a fighter and this would just be a cool story to tell later in his life.
Before it was all over, I heard God telling me my way was not how his story would end. I had to pray what has got to be the hardest prayer for a mother to pray--that God would take my child and keep him safe in Heaven, and to please let him know how much he is loved, even though his time on earth was so short.
God is bigger than life itself. I have promised myself I would learn from my experience. I have been humbled. I know so little about how God works that I just have to trust him all the more. If we knew everything He knows, He wouldn't be much of a God, would He?
I am blessed to be in the care of such a great God. I am blessed to know that He has a plan for me even though I don't always know what he's up to.
My experience also made me that much more thankful for my precious baby girl, and that my pregnancy was so uneventful with her. She was always special, but I really do look at her with new eyes.
God, help us to trust you and know that your love is greater than anything we can imagine.