Brynn's First Christmas Tree

Fall

Get it all right or just alright?

I may be getting the hang of this working mom thing. Sort of. I realized today one reason I may be extra hard on myself is that I don't have anyone close to me that has gone through exactly my situation. I know plenty of moms that went back to work when their babies weren't really babies anymore, but otherwise they are all full-time mommies. I think sometimes I'm trying to be full-time teacher and mommy which is clearly impossible according to the laws of time and space.
I feel guilty for liking going to my job; I feel guilty for not being with Brynn every minute; I feel guilty for not doing everything I can as a teacher. Being a mom is full of guilt, huh? Any way you look at it.
Today I was asked a really good question: What does getting it all right look like?
I don't know.
That should tell me something.

I praised God today....

Sometimes I forget, but tonight as I was rocking my over-tired little angel after a little baby midnight snack I couldn't help but praise God. I was in the dark nursery with the glow of a Pooh nightlight settling on Brynn's head like a halo. The warm milk comforted her so that she finally relaxed onto my chest, clinging to my shirt not even needing her pacifier. He breathing slowed to a coo that quickly changed into infant snores which are much sweeter than grown up ones.
I was completely silent, but my heart sang out to God like never before in awe and humble gratitude.

Happy 5 months, Brynn-Brynn!

Dear Brynn,
Has it really only been 5 months since you've been in my life? How small my heart must have been before. Five months has gone by like a blink of an eye. I guess I'll have to get used to that.
I gave you some bowls and spoons to play with tonight. You were a little confused, but entertained when Daddy and I drummed on them! You hit yourself in the face with the spoon and scared me, but you didn't even cry. We'll wait a few weeks and try that game again.
You tried bananas today. You made some pretty funny faces. We'll try them again tomorrow. It was your first "real" food. You've had mushy rice cereal and oatmeal. You love those now.
You and I took a walk tonight. You sang "Old MacDonald" with me and laughed when I pushed you faster. You are really starting to laugh a lot. I'm glad you are such a happy baby.
You pooped in the tub tonight. I hadn't even turned the water off yet. You were barely wet, but bathtime was over!
You are getting to be sassy! The other day at Mimi and Papa T's house, Daddy was playing with your toys and said, "They're mine now!" You looked at me and said, "UUUNNNGG!" It was so funny! You have grabbed my face with both hands and pooked your lip out at me a couple of times to show me you are unhappy. You know Mommy understands you.
I never knew how wonderful being a Mommy would be. Especially being YOUR mommy. I love you more than anything.
Always yours,
Mommy

Brynn's new bath seat

"What did you put on my head, Mommy?"

"What is all this stuff?"

"Tastes funny."

A difficult week...

I hate the first couple of weeks of school. I really do. No sugar coating it. I hate teaching rules and routines, I hate having to be extra strict, I hate adjusting to a new schedule. I have hated it since first grade. (In Kindergarten I didn't know any better.)
It has been quadrupally hard having my sweet Brynnie at home waiting on me. I haven't been home before 4:30 any day this week. (Today I got my hair cut so it wasn't all school's fault.) To corporate working moms that doesn't sound weird I guess, but I was planning on being home by 3:30 except on faculty meeting days.
After genuinely enjoying last week, I thought I would be okay. However, I have missed my baby terribly. I ache in the morning when I rub her sweet head and know I won't see her for at least 8 hours. I know I'm doing what God needs me to do right now, but does it have to be so hard?
I will manage. I'm glad I'm spreading my love to 10 (soon to be 11) more children who are happy to be around me (most of the time.) It will get easier. I just hope it's soon. (Sorry for all the parentheses. My 9th grade English teacher Mr. Cannon would be ashamed.)

An unexpected fear...

Today I worried that I was forgetting about Brynn. I would get really involved in my work and suddenly remember I had a daughter. How weird does that sound?
I've never had someone who depended on me completely, so I've never had anyone to be concerned about while I'm away. Brynn is safer with her Grammy than I am at school, so that's not an issue. But that sneaky guilt still pops up. Why?
I have to do my best at work when I'm there, and that doesn't make me a bad mom. Quite the opposite. I'm a good role model and a provider. While being those things, I can't think about her constantly. Is it okay to let go a little?

First Day as a Working Mom

Well, in spite of a panic attack (totally needed a paper bag) last night, I managed to get a few hours of sleep and get up at 6:00 this morning. I was so confused when the alarm went off. My only alarm has been my daughter's grunts and whines for more than 120 days.
I don't deal with change well as it is, but this was huge. I went from one full-time job to two. I went from having one child to 11. (They're still mine in a way.) I had to switch roles today. Identities really. At home I'm Lacy, as soon as I get to Duncan I'm Mrs. Grant. They really are different people. Now at home I'm Lacy and Mommy, so it was even harder to switch.
I made it through. I was very bitter at the beginning of the day. I didn't want to tell people I was fine. I didn't want to tell people I wasn't glad to be back. I didn't want anyone to talk to me at all. Once a few of my pricklies fell off I realized how much everyone at school cares about me and that they could help if I let them.
I'm not saying I'm all hunky dunky already, but I'm getting there. Perhaps this blog's new purpose will be to document this adventure.

Good things about going back to school

Okay, I'm reaching here. In my quest for positive thinking, I'm going to make a list of the positives I can think of for going back to school. If you can add any, please do.

1. I'll get a normal paycheck again. (I've had a lesser one for the past 4 months because of my maternity leave.)
2. I'll have 10 more kids to love on every day.
3. I'll have 10 more kids to give me (some) love every day.
4. More adult contact.
*Note: I'm having a very hard time not also putting cons and sarcastic comments*
5. Professional and personal development.
6. I'll enjoy my time with Brynn even more.
7. I'll be using my gift.
8. More time to listen to the radio on my drive. (Stretching it aren't I?)
9. Ummm, did I mention the paycheck?
10. I'll get more exercise.
11. I'll feel more productive (maybe).
12. New funny stories to tell.

Let me know what you think of!

Humor in funerals

I just reviewed my Facebook friend list to make sure no one involved in these stories is related, but just to be safe the only names mentioned will be Erick, my husband, and Adam, my brother-in-law--for my own protection. These are just too funny to keep to myself. Thank God for the laughs we can have in the midst of sadness.

From a past funeral:
A lady with a red bouf came through the line and shook Erick, my brother-in-law, and my hand and told each of us, "I used to be part of the family." After she walked off I asked them who she was, and they had no idea! How kind of her to bring the chip on her shoulder to give us her condolences.

These are from tonight:

• An old lady was trying to sort out the line of Grandmother's relatives (no one can seem to keep my husband and his brother straight). She pointed to Adam and said, "I saw you at the hospital," then turned to Erick and said,"but you....you got married." It's all my fault I guess. When she waslked off, Erick's cousin told me that she was also the one who brought a half-eaten, half-iced cake to the house. I'm wondering if we should get this lady some help.
• Poor Erick, one man told him three times, "Boy you've CHANGED a lot since I saw you last," while clearly staring at his stomach. As he was walking off, he was mumbling to his wife, "I told Erick he had gained some weight since I saw him!" Good for you, buddy. Good for you.
  
• Another distant relative came to Grandmother's house to visit. He came in, sat down, looked at Erick's aunt and said, "I have a tumor." Insert awkward pause and some staring. She responded, "I'm sorry." He replied,"Ooooh, it's benign. I'm fine," with a dismissing wave of his hand. Are we competing with the cancer in the next room? Thanks for that.
• As an illustration of the Erick/Adam confusion, one man passed Erick and I with quizzical looks and got to Adam, "Well I know who you are, Erick!" Adam didn't bother to correct him.

I know there is nothing right to say at a funeral, but there certainly are wrong things to say. I guess one day you just get to old to know the difference (or care). Please share if you have any funny funeral moments. I can't be the only one with a nutty family.

Why I don't make to do lists...

It started this morning in the shower. This is actually what went through my head, minus a few more.

TO DO:
1. Take off old shower curtain liner/put on new one.
2. Change razor blade.
3. Ugh. Lose 50 pounds and read up on stretch mark creams to check if they are all junk.
4. Be more positive.
5. Wash towels.
6. Clean counter.
7. Put on makeup.
8. Remember to wear sunscreen every day.
9. Start shopping for school supplies.
10. Plan how to balance teaching and mommyhood.
11. Stop crying and stressing about balancing teaching and mommyhood.
12. Refill anxiety medication.
13. Get some chocolate while at the drug store.
14. Scratch off #13 because it contradicts #3. But then again it supports #11 and #4. Ack!
15. Never ever make a to do list again.

Pretty baby

I just love having a baby to dress up. Thankfully she doesn't mind. The yellow dress was for church yesterday. Mimi got it for her.

I just love the laughing picture! She is such a happy baby. Not nearly as happy as she makes me.

"Aunt" Marcia gave her the Got Milk outfit. I think I should send it to them so she can be in their next ad! She looks like a little thug!

Even tiger mommies understand

I love her expression. So perfect. I am so lucky to have my Brynn-Brynn who sleeps 12 hours a night (and has for many weeks now). Napping is not her favorite pastime, however. I feel lucky to get 45 minutes at once. If I had to choose between the two, I would choose 7pm-7am like she does over a couple of 2 hour naps during the day. I can't complain. Gone are the days of me deciding that I need a little nap and actually get to take one. Well worth it, I say.

Shower at the Library

Okay, I know it is very late. Blame it on Erick. He downloaded a free picture program, Picasa 3, and I'm having way too much fun with it. I'm turning off the computer as soon as I click "Publish Post." These are the pictures from our baby shower (complete with baby!) at the Spartanburg Library where Erick works. Everyone there is so nice. They asked him before I had Brynn when I would want them to give us a shower. I was so huge and miserable then that I knew I would enjoy it more after she was here. I was right! People brought homemade food and lots of nice gifts! We are so thankful.

Our Family

This picture makes me so happy. How often can you get a good picture of one person, let alone three. Especially when one of those is a baby. She almost never looks at the camera. I love our little family.

Another product review. Don't know why I'm into doing this these days...

In another attempt to find something to satiate my nearly constant chocolate cravings, I got the chocolate Special K protein shakes. On the plus side, it is very creamy and is only 3 WW points. On the strange side, after drinking about half of the bottle and puzzling a bit, I came to the conclusion that it tasted like pureed pinto beans. It may have had a dash of unsweetened cocoa powder. Once I decided that I thought, "Well, I like pinto beans," and I finished the bottle.

Regardless of what the box advertises, I was hungry an hour later. I wasn't surprised; I've never been one to be satisfied by drinking my meals.

It is better to drink out of a bottle than from a weird Slim-Fast shake can, but at least those taste like chocolate milk and not like a popular legume.

Things that make me feel like a good mommy...

• A sticky cheek at the end of the day.
• Having her formula measured out in the little container.
• The obstacle course of baby paraphernalia that is our home.
• Now knowing how to spell "paraphernalia."
  
• Cutting her fingernails without cutting her fingers.
• A neat basket of [clean] diapers.
• Hanging up her tiny clothes.
• My Facebook page that is a shrine to her cuteness.
  
• A stack of stained but clean bibs.
• Her good morning smiles with tear puddles still in her eyes.
• A giant container of nursery water that takes up a whole counter.
• A bottle drying rack and basket of bottles that takes up a whole counter.
• The aroma of baby shampoo that lingers in the bathroom.
• A good night's sleep.
• Losing count of the kisses I've given.
• Being the only one that can swaddle her just right.
• Speaking in third person now feels normal.
• My new confidence as a woman.
  

Advice for new mommies

There are several things that I was probably told before or during the first few weeks my baby girl was here, but I was either too hormonal or stubborn to hear them at the time. Here is my list of the truth about the induction period of motherhood.

• Listen to the advice people give you. It won't make you feel any better right now, but one day you'll remember something you heard and be glad.
• Trust yourself. You're doing better than you think. You will figure this out.
• Breastfeeding is really really hard. Women who do deserve medals.
  
• Your baby has not read "the books." Neither should you right now.
  
• People do not expect your house to be clean right now. If they do, they should clean it themselves.
• No parent really enjoys the first few weeks. If they said they did, they either have forgotten or are lying.
• A stranger entered your house and completely disrupted everything in your life and requires your attention around the clock when you feel crummier than you ever have before. This does not instantaneously make you feel emotionally close to your baby. Everyone lies about this too.
• It's okay to cry. A lot.
• Speaking of crying--it takes a while to learn your baby's cries. "The books" don't mention that part. (another reason not to read them)
  
• Your baby won't remember any of this. You won't remember much of it.
• It gets a lot more fun very soon.
• Remind yourself that it is all worth it (as often as you need to).

There you go.

Fiber One "Poptarts"

These Fiber One Chocolate Fudge Toaster Pastries are yummy. A little bulky tasting in the end, but they are good and fudgy to do the trick for this hungry Weight Watcher member.

Beach Trip

Last week we went to Myrtle Beach and stayed in my aunt and uncle's house on an old army base. It was so wonderful! I wasn't sure how Brynn would do sleeping in the room with Mommy and Daddy in a Pack 'n Play, but she was perfect as usual. (Sometimes the joy of having such an easy baby is dampened by the thought that there is no way I can have another child this good. This little voice keeps saying, "You just wait..")
I wish we could have stayed longer. I don't know how long it would take for me to tire of having days of lying on the beach, shopping, eating, playing the Wii all hours of the night, etc. etc. etc. I guess I would eventually. Sounds like a fun experiment.
I can't imagine what it would be like to never have seen the ocean. One lady came up to us on the beach to take a picture of my brother buried in the sand. She said her friend had never been to a beach, so she was taking pictures for her. I feel so fortunate to live so close to mountains and the ocean. I don't know why anyone would want to live anywhere else. I guess they have their reasons.
I'm pretty proud of this video...my first attempt at making a movie. Flip Video makes it very easy. I love my Flip camera.

Yuck!!!

Gentle Naturals Cradle Cap Treatment: This stuff is terrible! Brynn has pretty bad cradle cap, so I thought I'd try this. It turns out I prefer the cradle cap! I cannot get all the goop off her her sweet little head and it smells awful. I feel like a bad mother when I look at her greasy, clumpy hair. I'm working on getting it all off without annoying her, but after two shampoos it is still there. Yuck!

Rain...

Rain usually makes me sad. Ill even. I consider myself to have a sunny personality, so rain does not compliment that well. I know we need rain, and I always feel obligated to thank God for the rain on behalf of farmers and flowers, but honestly I don't think I mean it. I'm selfish like that. There should be some better way of getting moisture and cleanliness to the earth other than making everything so dark and miserable. I need sunshine. Maybe I have a vitamin D deficiency or Seasonal Affect Disorder.
Today, though, I'm in a need-rain mood. I want a day to be in the house and do nothing or everything, I haven't yet decided. Being stuck in the house is a lot more fun with a sweet baby that smiles and coos at whatever Mommy does. Rain makes me slow down and remember things like that since I have to work harder at being happy and pleasant on days like these. So thank you, God, for the rain today. I mean it this time.

Something funny

I was sitting in my classroom today (doing work without being paid) and the assistant principal came in to check on end of the year stuff with my substitute. I found it amusing that she checked off my stapler, tape dispenser and scissors. I bought all those myself. How nice of them to make sure I still have them.
Then she asked about my classroom library books that I send home with students. "Um, do you mean my books I brought?" I asked. Come to find out there are actually books available to teachers in the school for just such a purpose. I love being held responsible for things I'm never told about and being a raccoon of the school faculty along with the rest of the special education department.
The students who need the most help get whatever is leftover. Makes sense, huh? This raccoon is irritated.

A beautiful start

I get a certain satisfaction from being up before everyone else. This morning is especially nice. Brynn repaid me for having a hard time getting to sleep last night by sleeping until a late 7:30 and smiling and waiting patiently for me. She went right back to sleep after her tummy was filled. I've already showered with my new favorite shampoo (Herbal Essences!). I'm dressed in a shirt I haven't been able to wear since Brynnie came, and I'm ready to go shopping with 3 of my favorite girls. I'm also wearing my wedding rings again for the first time in at least 6 months! They're a little snug, but I haven't been able to get them on since early in my pregnancy so I'm happy and wearing them anyway. All this led to me needing to create a blog. Now my little angel is waking telling me my time of solitude is up for today. That's not so bad either.