Starting over...for like the millionth time.

On my kitchen table with me right now:

•  a sweet, not very bright cat who I probably shouldn't let sit on the table, but oh well
• Max's high chair tray that has veggie lasagna residue and banana puffs strewn about
• An empty Capri Sun
• 2 lb weights
• a glass of water I've been trying to finish since about 4:00 (it's 7:30)
• two cans of cream of mushroom soup I've been meaning to put in the pantry since...(I guess we ate supper with them on the table, but I didn't even notice.)

Here I am with gobs to do, but I really really wanted to blog tonight. Writing has always been very cathartic to me since I can remember. I used to write stories about Barbie and Ken.
 *intermission to put Brynn to bed*


"Today I did good eating." I can say that today. What does that mean? To me it means I tracked my food and points on my Weight Watcher app. I made good choices, I didn't get too hungry, and I didn't binge.
Yet.

This is the hardest part of the day. Night. Kiddos are in bed *sigh* and no one is looking at me or following me around. I reward myself by not putting my ice cream in a bowl and just diving in. Fewer things make me happier.
And at the same time, really, really sad.
Why is food, meant by God to fuel and sustain us, my favorite pastime and my worst enemy.
This is what food is to me:

I feel the best about myself when I eat right and exercise (as I did today, hence the weights on my table).
I feel the worst about myself when I eat a sleeve of Oreos followed by whatever else I find.
So why do I do it? Why don't I just stop?

The same reason people smoke. Do drugs. Look at porn. Cut themselves. It feels better right then than whatever the abstract negative outcome is.
Somewhere someone said being overweight is like having your deepest, darkest secret out for everyone to see. (If you said it, let me know, I can't find/remember the source.) You can look at me and know I have an eating problem and probably don't make exercise a priority.
This is my thorn. My biggest one anyway. And today I started over. Again. After a sabbatical of stressful IEP season that ran into stressful end of school year that ran into yay! vacation....I'm starting over again.
You know what? I'm going to decide that's ok. Because today was good. That's all I can do right now.